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Just figured out my guy friend is really not my friend.(r/TwoXChromosomes)
To anyone who has someone in their life that they consider to be a “nice guy”, please pick up “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover. It really is intended to be read by the “nice” guy but can also be a godsend for friends and partners of so-called “nice” guys.
My boyfriend is a recovering “nice” guy. He never got like the guy in OP’s post, but he would absolutely become manipulative when he didn’t get his way (read: I refused to allow him to become co-dependent) and did engage in some borderline emotionally abusive behavior. The troubling thing is that he knew he was fucking up our relationship but felt powerless to do anything about it. I’d say 95% of our relationship was amazing, but the 5% of major dysfunction was killing it.
After years of frustration I found that book and devoured it in an afternoon. Not everything in that book described my boyfriend, but everything my boyfriend did was in that book. It was a massive relief to read. It was the big wake-up call that I wasn’t crazy, that I couldn’t fix him and he needed to fix himself, and that if our relationship was going to work, he needed to read that shit and do the work to address those problems. Or I was absolutely going to leave him.
I gave the book to him, and he was dubious but read it. He has told me it changed his life. Turns out it was a huge relief for him as well. Although he does still struggle a lot with shame and guilt because of the behaviors he sees himself engage in, he recognizes them and corrects them. He does exercises from that book every single day. It’s a lot of work for me, too, since I was also contributing to our problems with some of my own behaviors. We still have our bumps but our relationship has dramatically improved.
Basically…if you want to know what was actually going on, read that book.