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I am I really that bad of a husband? I desperately need help..(r/relationships)
So… Everyone is saying to leave and move on. I actually have a different take.
Firstly, she cheated on you, three times. That is not acceptable by any stretch. However, you clearly view your past actions as having caused that. I, unfortunately, can’t tell from your post whether your past actions really did cause that, or if she’s simply guilt tripped you into believing it. I’m inclined to say that there were ways that you could have improved, but you should be wary of her guilt tripping you over perfectly normal shit.
> I met my wife … on the internet and only met a few times before we got married. … My longest relationship prior to this was around three months long.
This is the real problem here dude. You don’t know how to BE in a relationship. You have no idea what is normal, what is your fault, where to draw the lines, how to put your foot down, or anything else. I’ve been in your shoes, I promise you. The solution for me was to start reading /r/relationships religiously. Reading all of these posts grounded me and showed me what was normal and what was not. I got out of my abusive relationship and into a healthy happy one.
> My wife was my life. I have separated myself from almost every one else and I have few options in people to confide in, so thank you.
You have made her far, far too important now. You should always have other parts of your life that she is not crucial to. Making someone the entire focus of your life is never healthy.
> I didn’t thank her enough, I did not appreciate her enough
It is very important to appreciate the people in your life- everyone, not just your wife. However, it doesn’t sound like this was the whole problem here. It sounds like when you WERE there for her, which was sporadic, you put her on a pedestal. You were a doormat. Women aren’t attracted to doormats, and pedestals aren’t all that comfortable. Women want a MAN, not a doormat. This will help with the psychology of how to be an attractive non-doormat man.
> A few hours later I told her I called my parents because I knew I had to, I wish right now even that I had not. That changed her mind pretty quickly.
There is no planet on which this is acceptable. She fucking cheated on you. There is no reason you should not be telling your family and friends- you need your own support network if she decides things are over. You need to put your foot down on this issue. Either she gets over the fact that other people are GOING to know that there are problems, or you walk.
Now I’m not going to tell you whether you should leave her or not. As of now, this relationship is not healthy- but it could become so. However the first thing you need to do is fix yourself. You cannot fix someone else, and you cannot fix a marriage alone. You need to fix yourself first, and then the marriage will follow if she cares enough to. Tasks for you:
- Read /r/relationships every day until you are grounded and know what is healthy and what is not in a relationship. For me this took about 1-2 months.
- Read Married Man Sex Life to establish the difference between being a man and being a doormat.
- Rebuild your friendships, your family relationships, and an active, healthy hobby. Your mother needs to understand that she may not always agree with your decisions, but you need her support, and you cannot have her treating your wife badly. If she cannot be around you/her without being kind and supportive, she is toxic.
- Focus on being a kind, affectionate, but firm husband. For now, don’t waste time trying to repair something that your wife doesn’t want to repair. Fix yourself first; her attraction will follow that. Put your foot down when she is being unreasonable. Also, flowers and chocolate are really fucking cheap. Don’t buy them when things are bad, buy them when things are good, and buy them at random. At least once a month.
- Finally, if you don’t feel like you can trust her again, you need to end it. Relationships are built on trust. Relationships without trust are built on nothing.